And I'll Never Look Back
by NecromancerAB
Summary: Sometimes you realize that it's not about overcoming the obstacle, it's about enduring it.


**A/N: This is my reaction to last night's episode. BIOA turned out both better and worse than I expected. On the one hand, Blaine is GAY so hooray. On the other, Klaine had a huge blowup. But what I'm dealing with is Kurt and Burt. That kitchen scene was ridiculous and Burt needs to get his head out of his ass.**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Glee. If I did, Kurt would be at McKinley, Blaine would be on his kness, and Karofsky would be six feet under. **

* * *

An apology. He actually expected an apology.

Kurt knew his father was homophobic. It was a fact of life, like any other. The sky was blue, the grass green, and Burt Hummel didn't like gays.

It wasn't something new to Kurt. He realized pretty early that he could never talk to his father about his feelings; couldn't tell him about the funny feeling in his stomach whenever his swim coach took off his shirt to get in the pool.

Kurt understood himself at an age when most kids couldn't reliably tell their left from their right. But with that certainty and conviction came the bullying and the teasing and the pain of standing out in a world that just wanted you to fit in.

But the worst of it didn't come from the kids his own age, jeering and laughing at his clothes, the care he took with his hair, nor the adults, sneering at him and turning away as he shopped for groceries and bought cleaning supplies. It came from his father.

He really tried to accept Kurt for who he was but he wasn't always successful at hiding his _distaste_ at his son's sexual orientation.

He saw it in the look on his father's face whenever he refused to watch sports with him, refused to go fishing. All of the things Burt had enjoyed as a kid with his own father he couldn't do with his own kid because he was queer.

Thankfully, his father never used the popular terms within hearing distance of Kurt, but he sure thought them.

He'd get this wistful sort of look as she spied Mr. Nathens and his ten year old son Todd bonding over a trip to the ballpark or the basketball court. He wanted a son he could see himself in, a son he could be proud of. But, as he often said, Kurt was just like his mother.

Kurt knew all of this and learned to deal with it. His father's continual disapproval didn't carry the sting it once did. He felt that he could survive it as long as his father never came out and said it. It was a fine line, walking the edge of knowing something and understanding it.

Kurt was always killer at balancing acts.

Finn and Carole changed things, upset the fragile detente he and his father had going. Kurt didn't need a mother, he already had the best one in the world and she died. Carole was a lovely, caring woman but Kurt wasn't interested in being her son.

Finn, on the other hand, couldn't claim the same. He had never known his father and took to Burt like a fish to water. They had so much in common and it was so easy for them to be together, go fishing and talk about sports. Burt now had a son he could see himself in. A son he could be proud of walking down the street with.

If Kurt told had told any of this to Mercedes or Artie they would have accused him of being jealous of Finn and his dad. He was looking so hard for a problem that he created one, they would say.

But he knew that he wasn't. He wished that it were a figment of his imagination, something he conjured up in his dreams.

Everyone remarked on it at the cabin. Summer trips to the cabin used to be a time for Kurt and Burt to unwind, to get away from Lima and the hatred that clung to Kurt.

After the room debacle Burt decided that a joint vacation would help ease the tension that still existed between Kurt and Finn and help bring them all together.

Kurt knew it wouldn't end well. And it didn't. Not for him anyway.

The group was settled into the spacious cabin – three rooms thank you very much – when the Parsons, a family that owned the cabin next to theirs, invited them to the barbecue they always had at the beginning of every summer.

Kurt couldn't hide from the truth that night. As Burt gleefully introduced Finn to the other vacationers he could see the way he lit up at the other's reactions to Finn. Quarterback of his high school football team, point guard of the basketball team. He practically beamed at the approving looks on the other fathers' faces. He soaked it up like mother's milk and it made Kurt sick with realization.

He wasn't the son his dad wanted.

The thought hit him hard and caused a churning in his gut. He begged off the rest of the night and went back to the cabin, spending hours on his moisturizing routine; coating himself in liquid armor. He was going to war.

The next two weeks were filled with silent battles and mute standoffs. Kurt was as determined to spend as much time as possible away from the 'family' as Burt Hummel was to keep them all together and do 'fun' activities that involved them all.

Kurt threw himself into it with an enthusiasm that many would find worrying if they hadn't seen the vicious glint in his eyes. He knew his dad would find his sudden interesting baffling and would jump to the wrong conclusion when he started taking fishing lessons with Gary, the young, single park owner.

He knew his father would never call attention to it while Carole, and especially Finn, were with them. Not so soon after what happened. He wouldn't be able to see past the fact that his son was practically stalking an older man to see what Kurt's true intention was: to test his father's reaction.

The way he stonily interacted with Gary, a man he had shared a beer with many a time in past years only cemented Kurt's resolve to distance himself and his homosexuality from his father. He would not go back into the closet to protect his father's delicate sensibilities.

The heart attack chipped away at the icy wall separating him and his dad. Having to see him lying in the hospital, so pale and unresponsive, affected Kurt more than he ever let show.

Of course the whole Duet debate brought a hint of chill back in their lives, Finn sticking his nose in and his father in agreement with him caused Kurt to pull away from his recovering father and let Carole support him.

The Karofsky situation followed and his father seemed to shine. Give him something to hit and he was there. He and Carole gave up their Hawaii getaway to make sure he was safe.

Then Blaine happened.

Kurt knew Blaine wasn't in to him, heard it straight from the horse's mouth so to speak. But he had never been good at letting go of things.

His drunken kiss with Rachel had hurt, because Blaine was as gay as pink diamonds and yet he had never even thought of Kurt that way.

He knew he hadn't done right by Blaine, sneering at his emotional upheaval. He was just so pissed that he could even entertain the possibility of dating Rachel when Kurt was willing and a _guy._

He knew Blaine would come to his senses and realize the truth; it wasn't the most pressing issue that Kurt had to deal with.

His father was.

Burt's reaction to seeing Blaine in his bed at the time was expected. Even though they were both fully clothed and weren't even in the bed together at the time shouldn't have set his father off like it had.

His demand that Kurt apologize for being 'inappropriate' under his roof showed his fundamental beliefs. That he could even say the words with the level of surety and righteousness made Kurt sick to his stomach.

Kurt's 'apology' ripped itself from his throat.

And his parting shot to his father about going to him if he had any questions was meant only to satisfy the rage simmering under his skin.

He had never had any intention to seek out his father for the 'talk'. Kurt had no illusions about what two guys did together. He was still a virgin yes, but he had a laptop and full access to the internet.

In the end Kurt was never going to have the relationship with his father that other boys did.

They were two different people with too much distance between them.


End file.
